


Why Can't It Remain?

by jadztone



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Music, Crack, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Matchmaking, Mistletoe, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Post-Star Trek Beyond, References to LOTR, Sharing Body Heat, Sharing a Bed, Sort Of, Spock gets to know his mother posthumously, T'hy'la, an AOS version of Cestus III, low key Scotty and Jaylah, moodboard, no Gorn are featured, ohz'esta, references to Sarek and Amanda and Michael and Saavik and Spock Prime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 10:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13029144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadztone/pseuds/jadztone
Summary: Crew morale is low during the holidays. People are keeping secrets from Jim, which he HATES.  Then strange things keep happening to him and Spock.  When they figure out their crew is trying to match make between them, Bones makes a very interesting suggestion to get them to stop: pretend that it worked.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first spirk fic, y'all!!!! I'm so excited. I decided for the holidays to celebrate the holy trinity of fanfic tropes (christmas/fake relationship/bedsharing) by writing three stories featuring my three OTPs - dreville, spirk, and johnlock. I've already done the dreville, and next is johnlock.
> 
> Forgive any science or engineering or ST universe mistakes that a few minutes of googling wasn't able to rectify. This hasn't been beta'd. I would normally say it's also not britpicked, but for once my main character is American! So anyway, it's not been Vulcanpicked.
> 
> The title of the story is from a line in a song called That Spirit of Christmas, featured in one of the chapters.

__

_Captain’s personal log, stardate 2264.339.  Crew morale has been at an all-time low.  Our shore leave was canceled in order to help the colonists of Cestus III recover from an attack by the Gorn.  We have delivered some much needed supplies and are lending our expertise to make the land habitable again, and salvage or repair the equipment.  It’s estimated that the process will take at least five more weeks, which means that we’re stuck here during the duration of the Terran winter holidays.  To try and boost morale, I’ve asked for volunteers from the senior officers to coordinate some ship wide activities._

_There were a few that stepped up to the plate: Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, and Scotty.   They’ve spent a lot of time planning, though they’ve been reluctant to give me any details thus far.  They’ve told me about the party that will incorporate all the holidays, mentioned decorations, and plans for a secret santa gift exchange. Which is all fine, but none of those things warrant the secretiveness that I’ve been noticing.   I see them whispering to each other in the mess, and then stop talking altogether when I approach.  They apparently conduct meetings in each other’s quarters, and look surprised and guilty whenever I happen to visit for an update._

_I asked Bones if he could infiltrate the group to find out what they’re up to.  After making a crack about staging a coup, Bones reluctantly agreed.  He managed to finagle his way into one of the meetings and then reported back to me.  He said that it was no big deal, that part of the ‘magic’ of the holidays is in the little surprises, and maybe stop being an infant and just enjoy the season._

_So, I’ve tried to do just that.  Enjoy the season.  Except…except that I just really, really hate it when people keep secrets from me._

 

Jim waited patiently as Spock contemplated his next chess move, ruminating on his personal log entry from earlier.  “Spock, do you have any secrets that you’re keeping from me?”

Spock’s eyes flew to his, and his eyes widened ever so slightly.  He was doing a remarkable impression of a deer caught in the headlights.  Jim almost told him this, but he realized he’d have to explain the metaphor and he was too busy being shocked and appalled to go through all that.  Spock _was_ keeping a secret from him.  A _big_ one.

Spock looked down at the board.  “Is this about my sister again, Captain?  We’ve already discussed this.  There are a number of things that I choose not to share with you because I consider them not to be relevant.  It seems that whenever you discover something about me you didn’t already know, you interpret my lack of forthcomingness as ‘keeping a secret.’  I assure you that no offense is ever intended in these circumstances.”  Spock picked up a pawn and moved it to a different square.

Jim felt his heart pounding.  He’s known Spock long enough to tell when he’s being evasive because he doesn’t want to lie.  This was a _huge_ secret.  “Whatever, I still don’t think a sister in Starfleet is irrelevant.”

“It is when she is not assigned to this ship.”

“I’m going to tell Michael you called her irrelevant.” Jim moved his rook.

Spock looked up again. “Please do not, as that would be a lie.”

“I’m kidding, Spock.”  Jim grinned at him, but inside he was freaking out.  What was Spock’s secret?  Did it have anything to do with what the other senior officers were hiding?  He tried a bit of fishing.  “So, what do you think of the plans so far from the holiday committee?”

Spock moved his rook.  “I am unable to provide you with an informed opinion, as I have little personal experience with the social activities surrounding these particular holidays.  On Vulcan, my mother quietly celebrated Hanukkah.  When I was in the Academy, my winter breaks I went home to Vulcan.  Since being assigned to the Enterprise, most of the crew have had their celebrations on Earth or during shore leave.  This is the first time that I have been forced to witness the festivities up close.”

Jim laughed.  “’Forced to witness?’  Spock, do you disapprove of merriment?”

“I find it illogical, but I do not disapprove of it.  I believe your decision to allow a temporary relaxation of protocol for the benefit of crew morale to be a sound one.”

“I’m glad you think it was a good decision, because I’m beginning to think otherwise.  They’re keeping something from me, Spock.”  Spock looked up at Jim’s frustrated tone.  Jim narrowed his eyes at him.  “And I _hate_ secrets.”  As Spock looked away, Jim moved his queen.  “Checkmate.”

*

Spock made an excuse to return to his quarters rather than play a second game as they usually did.  He really didn’t want to spend any more time with Jim now that he’s suspicious.  Jim could be very persistent, and he absolutely must _not_ find out about Spock’s regard for him.  They have been friends and colleagues for years, and if there had ever been the possibility that Jim felt anything other than friendship, it would have come out by now. 

One of the reasons Jim hated it when people kept secrets from him was because he had a difficult time keeping them himself.  He was so open and effusive with his thoughts and emotions.  The exception was when lives were at stake.  Spock had seen first-hand how quickly Jim would shut down and not give _anything_ away if his crew was endangered (it was one of the many things he admired about Jim).  Otherwise Jim was, to use an old Terran expression, an ‘open book.’  It was for this reason that Spock knew Jim did not love him beyond that of friendship.  And it was for _that_ reason that Spock could never burden him by sharing how very much far beyond friendship he felt for his Captain. 

Spock began preparations for meditation.  He would have to keep Jim’s attention focused on the behavior of the other senior officers.  They _were_ keeping a secret, of that he was sure.  They were not in the habit of being open with Spock under normal circumstances.  Since the commencement of the ‘party planning committee’ they have been 62.4% more guarded in Spock’s presence.

Spock had plans to meet Nyota the next night, he could try to learn some details from her that would satisfy Jim’s curiosity.  This would only work if she did not become upset at the favor he was planning to ask of her.  He intended to ask if she would assign him as Jim’s secret santa.  She will likely ask for an explanation.  Since Vulcans do not lie, he will inform her that he already has a gift for Jim that he purchased 7.12 months ago, but has not yet given to him.  Spock was concerned that Jim would be suspicious or uncomfortable if Spock gave him something personal without there being a socially acceptable occasion to warrant it.

When he explains this to Nyota, there is a 97.3% chance that she will discern Spock’s feelings for Jim.  She already knew, since the events precipitated by Khan, that Spock placed the Captain in very high regard.  He calculated a 42.9% chance that she will feel hurt to learn that he also harbors romantic feelings towards Jim.  That was an alarmingly high probability, given that he cares for Nyota and would not wish her to be uncomfortable.     

He considered the possibility of waiting until Jim’s birthday to present the gift, however Jim did not generally like to receive gifts on that date.  Also, there is another advantage to asking Nyota for this favor – he would not have to be concerned about procuring a gift in the event someone else was chosen as his ‘victim.’  Spock was well aware of the irony of asking Nyota to ‘cheat’ for him, given his poor opinion of Jim’s tactic during the Kobayashi Maru.  But it was only logical that Jim would have some influence on his behavior given how long they have worked closely together.      

*

The next evening after alpha shift, Jim found himself in sickbay (miraculously empty at this time), pacing up and down.  “He’s keeping a secret from me, Bones.  I can’t believe this.  It means he doesn’t trust me.  How can he not trust me?  After all these years?  We are as close as two people can be.  Or as close as a human and a Vulcan can be.  Well, maybe not closer than Spock’s parents.  They were pretty close.  In every possible way.  Spock and I aren’t that close.”

Bones smirked.  “But you wish you were.” 

Jim gave him a warning look.  “I thought I was upset that the senior officers were keeping something from me. Something that _you_ know and won’t tell me, you jerk.  It’s frustrating as hell, but this... is worse.  So much worse.  What if…” He stopped his pacing.  “What if he’s thinking of leaving again?  And not telling me what he’s planning?  _Again_.”

Bones sighed.  “I don’t think that’s it.  I think I know what it is, and believe me it doesn’t involve him ever leaving you.”

Jim flushed.  “No, my concern isn’t that he’s leaving _me_.  I don’t want him leaving Starfleet.  Or the Enterprise.  Whatever.  What it is you think you know?”

Before Bones could answer, the doors to sickbay whooshed open and Scotty walked in.  “There ya are, Cap’n, I’ve been looking all over for you.  I have a request I would like you to approve, if ya don’t mind.”  He handed Jim a PADD.

Jim read it over, then grinned at Scotty. “You want Jaylah to come here for Christmas?”

Scotty rubbed the back of his neck.  “Well, the official reason would be that she has winter break coming up and we could really use her salvage expertise with the damaged equipment down on the planet.”

“Blah blah blah, works for me.”  Jim used a stylus to sign his name on the PADD.

“Yer a saint among men, Cap’n!”  Scotty rushed out.

Jim’s grin faded.  “Damn it, I should have used the opportunity to grill him about what they’re up to.”

*

Spock left Nyota’s quarters, perplexed about their discussion.  While it had not been unsatisfactory, it had not gone as he had predicted.  He asked her if she would assign Jim as his secret santa ‘victim’ and she smiled and said that would be fine.  He hadn’t bothered to calculate the odds of whether or not she would ask why - there had never been any uncertainty.  But she _didn’t_ ask the question, and in his confusion he asked her if she wanted to know why (when it would have been better not to ‘look the gift horse in the mouth’ and just leave).  She laughed and said it was completely logical.  “You agreed to participate out of a sense of responsibility to the crew, which we appreciate.  But you’re concerned you’ll get someone you don’t know well and that it will be uncomfortable for both you and your victim if you mess up the gift.  So you came here to ask if you could be given someone you do know well.  The one person you know the best out of anyone on the ship, besides me, is Jim.  Logical.”

He stared at her until she raised her eyebrows and asked if he had anything else to talk about, because she had a party planning meeting to get to.  Given that she was much more cheerful than he had anticipated she would be, he decided to pursue his secondary agenda.  “Nyota, speaking of the party planning committee…  May I ask what you are all up to?”

She smiled at him.  “Up to?  As a matter of fact, what’s _up_ right now is mistletoe.”  Spock looked over his head and she laughed.  “Not in here.  All over the ship.  The yeomen have been quite busy.  Enjoy your chess game with the Captain.  I have to get going.”  She gave him a peck on the cheek and led the way out of her quarters.

Spock returned to his own quarters to prepare the 3-D chess board.  He glanced over at his storage compartment, which contained his gift to Jim.  He hoped Jim would like it (illogical, given that there was nothing he could do to change the outcome – _kaiidth_ ).  He discovered it in an antique shop when the crew had a brief shore leave on Starbase VI.  It was a vintage chess set in the theme of a classic Terran book series called Lord of the Rings.  Jim was a particular devotee of these books.  He liked to remind Spock quite frequently that there was a race of beings in the stories that had pointed ears.  Jim’s teasing did not bother Spock, in fact he was gratified to learn that the stories depicted the Elves in a very positive light (as opposed to devils or hobgoblins).

Jim’s favorite character, the one he would not admit he most identified with, was Aragorn.  Spock could not help but note that Aragorn married an Elf named Arwen, though it was illogical to make any sort of extrapolation from that.  It did not mean that Jim himself had a particular attraction to species with pointed ears, even if they were female.  There was only one occasion when Spock had been able to observe Jim’s behavior with a pointed-eared female, and the results were inconclusive. 

On a mission 10.21 months ago, a delegation of three Vulcans was being transported by the Enterprise to a key science conference.  One of the attendees was a young woman named Saavik, who seemed quite intrigued by Jim.  In the mess hall she would wear her hair down, and Spock acknowledged that she was very attractive and bore a resemblance to the description of Arwen in the Tolkien books.  Spock found himself watching Jim and Saavik very closely.  He felt illogically relieved that Jim did not pay her particular attention.  Then one day their hands accidentally touched as they were eating dinner and reached for something at the same time.  Saavik actually _flinched_ at the contact and her normally passive expression momentarily flickered into one of shock. 

Jim saw her reaction and his epidermis turned a shade of red that indicated deep embarrassment.  Jim wasn’t typically prone to embarrassment, so he must have been concerned that she read something highly personal from his thoughts or feelings.  Lust, perhaps?  Spock felt illogically disheartened by such a notion.  Later that evening, Saavik came to Spock’s quarters to return a book she had borrowed.  Without preamble, she asked Spock how he was able to endure such intense feelings from his Captain on a daily basis.  Spock told her that while the Captain may be more emotional than the rest of the crew, he had no more trouble shielding from him than anyone else aboard the Enterprise.  Saavik gave him an assessing look and then said that he was misunderstanding her question.  She chose not to elaborate, as she was due to meet one of the other Vulcans in 2.4 minutes.  Spock wondered how he could have misunderstood the question, and thought perhaps that she was referring to the fact that he was half-human.  A logical possibility, as many other Vulcans have questioned his discipline throughout his life.

Spock was broken out of his reverie by the swishing sound of the bathroom door sliding open.  It was Jim, arriving for their game.  He was disturbed to realize he had lost track of time.  That seemed to happen anytime he was thinking about or in the company of Jim.   He turned to greet Jim, and was surprised to see him staring wide-eyed above Spock’s head.  Spock looked up, and saw a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling - right over the table where they played chess, which also happened to be where Spock was standing.  He suppressed a sigh.  “Ah yes, Nyota warned me about this.”

Jim looked down at Spock, and his expression was…Spock found he couldn’t interpret the expression.  It almost seemed like the one he once wore when they were visiting a planet where the indigenous race was prone to randomly punching people in the face.  “She told you this would be here?”

“Negative, Captain.  She said it would be up all over the ship.  I understand that the yeomen were assigned the task.”

Jim pressed his lips together, and Spock had to look away.  Jim stepped closer and Spock tensed.  Was Jim actually going to kiss him?  A small part of him (24.5%) wanted Jim to do it, so he would know what those lips felt like.  But a larger part of him (75.5%) did not want Jim to kiss him, not if it was in deference to an old holiday tradition.  It would be a mockery of a kiss.

Jim did not in fact kiss him. He gazed at Spock, and gave him a little smirk, then reached up and yanked the mistletoe down.  He tossed it in the refresher, then sat down at the table and finished setting up the board.   Spock sat down opposite him, feeling much more disappointed than he should have, considering that the part of him that wanted to be kissed had been in the minority.  Illogical.


	2. Chapter 2

Beaming as a method of transporting to Cestus was forbidden except in dire emergencies, as the planet’s atmosphere is too ionized. The crew have been making regular use of the shuttles, instead.  Jim received a request from Commodore Travers to meet with him regarding some logistical issues that he’d been unable to resolve.  Sulu was going down to collect some samples of the soil and remaining flora to determine how best to regrow the vegetation quickly and efficiently.  Spock was doing double duty – he will attend the meeting with Travers and then review Sulu’s collection efforts to ensure they are satisfactory. 

As they left the shuttle bay, Sulu was piloting and Jim was navigator.  Spock sat strapped into one of the seats towards the rear, reviewing his PADD.  Jim and Sulu chatted about the upcoming holiday party.  Jim attempted to quiz him on what _other_ plans they had, but Sulu kept dodging with more details about the party.  None of it was remotely worthy of secrecy.  After a while, Jim noticed Sulu frowning.  “Everything okay, Sulu?” 

Sulu looked over.  “I’m getting some drag that I can’t explain.  Would you mind checking the aft display panel?  See if there’s any odd readings?”

“Sure.”  Jim unbuckled his seat belt and made his way towards the rear of the shuttle.  Just as he was passing Spock, the shuttle listed heavily to the left.  Jim lost his balance and ended up in Spock’s lap.  The shuttle then listed to the right, and Jim had to fling his arms around Spock to avoid being thrown to the ground.  Spock’s arms automatically came around his waist.

Sulu called out, “Hang on tight, Captain, there’s some air pockets that didn’t show up on the instruments.  I’m attempting to compensate.”  Sulu’s fingers flew over the helm and the shuttle continued to buck for about a minute.  It was a rather nerve-wracking minute, since Jim was forced to hold tightly to Spock and the movement kept jostling them.   _Jesus_ it felt good.  Spock remained tight-lipped throughout the ordeal, and Jim had to be very careful not to let his skin accidentally touch Spock’s.  He still hadn’t forgotten what happened when he touched hands with Saavik at the moment he happened to be indulging in some romantic fantasies about Spock.  The _look_ she’d given him told him everything he needed to know about the dangers of touch telepathy.

As soon as the shuttle stopped bucking, Jim scrambled off of Spock’s lap, trying to pretend he didn’t notice the Vulcan’s green-tinted cheeks and half-erection.  It was a very common biological response to having another warm body writhing around on top of you.  He was sure that Spock’s blush was due to embarrassment, not lust.  Jim forced himself not to check Spock’s eyes for dilated pupils.  Jim turned towards Sulu.  “Do you still need me to check the aft panel?”

In a sheepish tone, Sulu said, “Negative, Captain, I now know the source of the drag.”  Jim made his way back to the front and sat down heavily in his seat, buckling in.  Sulu gave him an apologetic look.  “I’ll have Scotty check the instruments when we get back to the ship, see if we can find an explanation for the lack of readings.”  Jim gave him a short nod, then spent the next couple of minutes attempting to cool his arousal by thinking of the Gorn.

*

Spock was more than happy when he could escape the meeting with Travers and go monitor Sulu’s progress with the soil and flora samples.  He needed to be away from the Captain.  What he really needed was to meditate, but he would have to wait until he was back aboard the ship and his shift was over. 

As he made his way across the field towards Sulu, Spock tried not to dwell on the Captain’s reaction to his obvious arousal during the unfortunate turbulence with the shuttle.  Jim had been so discomfited that he’d leapt away from him at the first opportunity, and had not been able to look him in the eyes.  He could only hope that Jim would interpret it as an involuntary response.  After all, the same thing had happened to Jim during an away mission 4.29 months ago when they were hiding in the crevice of a cave and Jim’s pelvis was pressed against Spock’s backside.  It had been a trying moment for both of them.

Spock spent the next hour with Sulu, and then they packed up to go rendezvous with the Captain at the Galileo.  While Sulu stored away all the samples in a compartment, Spock wrote his report on the portion of the Travers meeting he had attended.  When that was sent off, he took navigation so that Jim could use the travel time to finish his own report. 

They were well into the clouds when Sulu gave him a concerned look.  “Mr. Spock, I just remembered about the air pockets.  The instruments aren’t reading anything, but we can’t know for sure they aren’t there.  I’m worried I didn’t secure the samples well enough.  Will you do me a favor and check on them?”

Spock struggled to contain his annoyance.  “Yes, Lieutenant.”

Sulu looked chagrined.  “Better hurry so you can get back to your seat in one piece.”

Spock raised one eyebrow as he unbuckled his seatbelt.  “I highly doubt that any turbulence, no matter how severe, would result in me being torn to pieces.”

As he made his way towards the rear of the shuttle, he heard Sulu murmur, “Figure of speech, Mr. Spock.”

When Spock was passing by Jim, the turbulence started.  It was much more severe than the previous trip.  Spock was flung into the Captain’s lap.  Jim dropped his PADD in surprise and instinctively grabbed Spock’s hips.  After several severe jolts had him almost flying off Jim’s lap, he rearranged his position so that he was straddling Jim and had his arm wrapped firmly around his shoulders.  Jim cooperated by tightening his arms around Spock’s waist.   

Several times the shuttle bucked so wildly that Spock was bouncing in Jim’s lap, despite how tightly they clung to each other.  Each time Jim grunted.  He had his eyes squeezed shut, and Spock could only hope that he wasn’t injuring anything sensitive with each bounce.  After the third time it happened, Jim lowered his hands so that he was grasping Spock’s backside and pressing him more firmly into his lap.  As distressing to his libido as this move was, it was effective.  The next time the shuttle bucked, Spock didn’t bounce as much.

The turbulence lasted several minutes, and Spock was beginning to question Sulu’s competence as a pilot.  _Finally,_ the movement was reduced enough in severity that Spock could vacate the Captain’s lap.  He saw Jim stifle a groan, and Spock quickly made his way to the storage compartment to check on the samples.  He knelt in front of the compartment, and took a few moments to force his arousal down to a less urgent state.

Spock calculated an 94.1% chance that the sample containers would be broken.  The turbulence had been extremely severe.  However, when he opened the compartment, he observed that the samples were perfectly safe.  There were several vials that were cracked.  But as the samples weren’t liquid, there was no leakage. 

The reason that so little damage occurred was because Lieutenant Sulu had gone to extraordinary lengths to pad the container.  With this level of precaution his mind should have been at ease.  Why had he requested that Spock check on it?  Illogically, Spock was annoyed that he had done so - because the outcome was that he had once again experienced the pleasure and agony of being in Jim’s arms.

Spock went back to the front and sat down, buckling himself in.  Sulu gave him a diffident look.  “The samples are intact,” he ground out.  Sulu looked relieved and went back to studying his instruments.  Spock found himself contemplating the odds of the shuttle hitting air pockets at the moment he and Jim were in close proximity – not once, but _twice_ in a row.  Adding to that the fact that both times they were in close proximity, it was because Sulu had requested something that required one of them passing by the other one.  The likelihood of it being a coincidence was vanishingly small.  But _why_? 

Spock couldn’t even begin to comprehend a reason.  He debated whether he should confront Lieutenant Sulu himself or tell the Captain what he’s deduced and let him do the confronting.  He was still debating when the shuttlecraft landed in the bay. 

*

Both Spock and Jim quickly unbuckled their seats and headed for the exit.  Sulu said, “I’ll unpack the samples and get them to the lab.  And uh, I’ll let Scotty know about that instrument problem.”

Jim called over his shoulder, “Sounds good!  Let me know what you find.”  Jim desperately needed to get to his quarters.  As fast as he was, Spock was overtaking him.  For a moment, Jim thought Spock was going to intercept him and chastise him for his inability to control his reaction to the fact that Spock had been riding him like a cowboy.  He’d had a dangerous moment where he was worried he was going to come, and the only way to prevent that would be to shove his first officer to the ground.  Fortunately, the turbulence ended before it got that far.

But Spock didn’t intercept him, instead he went right to the door of his quarters, just as Jim arrived at his.  Jim knew why _he_ needed privacy, but he wondered what was eating Spock.  He watched Spock enter the code to his door.  “Spock?  You okay?”

Spock seemed to force himself to look at Jim.  “Nausea, sir.  From the turbulence.”

“Oh!  Well, if you need the bathroom, go ahead.  I’ll make sure not to disturb you till you’ve gotten it out of your system.”

Spock looked away from him.  “I thank you, but I won’t need it.  Some spice tea should be sufficient to calm me.  If you’ll excuse me.”  He quickly entered his quarters before Jim could say anything else.  Not that he wanted to.  He wanted in his own quarters just as quickly.  He punched in his code and headed straight for his bed, stripping off his uniform on the way.  When he got there, he wanked furiously.

*

Spock attempted to meditate for 15.8 minutes before he gave up and went to his bed and wanked furiously.


	3. Chapter 3

There weren’t any more incidents for a couple of days.  The party planning committee seemed to not skulk around as much.  Jim was admiring the decorations.  There were random bouts of caroling in the mess hall.  He was finally starting to get into the spirit of the holidays himself.  He puttered around his quarters, tidying up in anticipation of Spock arriving for their chess match.  They hadn’t played since before the shuttlecraft debacle.  Probably a good thing, it had taken awhile to get over the urge to replay those moments over and over and over again in his head.

Spock came through the doors of the shared bathroom.  Jim grinned at him.  “Hey, Spock.  I just realized I haven’t seen you all day.”

“I was reviewing the analysis of the samples we took from the planet the other day.  We’ve determined which type of fertilizer will yield a more efficient output.”  They both sat down and began the game, chatting about their day.  Jim was trying not to stare at Spock’s hands, and failing.  He watched as Spock picked up a rook with his slender fingers and started to move it, but then paused.  Jim looked up and saw that Spock was doing his not-frowning thing at something above Jim’s head. 

Jim craned his head back and saw that there was a sprig of mistletoe above his head.  He gaped.  “That wasn’t there before.”

“I concur.  I would have noticed it when I entered your quarters.”

Jim stared incredulously up at the thing. “Did someone beam it here?  Is there some sort of trap door?”

“Those are good questions, Jim,” Jim loved it when Spock called him Jim.  “But a better question might be: why here? Why now?”

Jim narrowed his eyes.  “I’ve seen mistletoe all over the ship, but this is the first time I’ve seen it in my quarters.  Has it shown up since that time in your quarters?”

“Negative.  Perhaps it only appears when there are two people in the room?  After all, it would be pointless to place it somewhere occupied by only one person.”

Jim thought about it a moment.  “Well, it didn’t show up when Uhura was in here yesterday.”

Spock stared at him and blinked.  “Nyota was in your quarters?  Why was that, Captain?”

“Uh…”  He obviously couldn’t tell Spock that she was here because he was asking her if she could rig it so that Spock was his secret santa victim. 

He’d found a really nice set of Vulcan spice teas on Starbase II a few months ago.  They were one of the few batches left from the old Vulcan. The proprietor assured him that the leaves haven’t lost their strength after so many years – they had been cultivated to have a long shelf life.  He didn’t want to just give them to Spock outright because then Spock might be self-conscious that he didn’t get Jim anything (though he’d never admit it).  Uhura had readily agreed to the idea.  She said that she could see Spock being unintentionally rude to his gift giver, and it was best if it was someone who understood and appreciated him.  It made Jim all warm and fuzzy that Uhura counted him among the few people who really gets Spock. 

“Uh…ship’s business.  Yeah.”  Jim winced at how suspicious that sounded.  But whatever, Spock was keeping secrets himself. 

Jim wasn’t positive, but he could have sworn that Spock’s jaw actually _clenched_.  “Ship’s business?  Not…personal reasons?”

“ _No_!”  Jim flushed.  Why was it that he could spout the most blatant falsehoods to a Klingon interrogating him, but he wasn’t able to tell one little white lie to one of his best friends.

Spock’s eyes widened infinitesimally.  “Captain, are you and Nyota…  Are the two of you…”  He seemed unable to finish his sentence, which was _incredible_.  Spock voicing an incomplete thought?

Jim realized what it was he was trying to ask.  “No!  God, no!  We’re just colleagues, nothing going on there at all.”  Whew, finally something true.  Except, why did he rush to assure Spock there was nothing?  They broke up ages ago, and Nyota has already dated other people since then, though she was currently single.  Unless…unless Spock was jealous.  Was that the secret he was keeping?  That he wanted Uhura back?  “Spock, how would you feel if there _were_ something going on?”

Spock looked green.  “Captain?”

“Well, you seem pretty agitated by the idea.  Are you jealous?”

The green intensified.  “Jealous?”

Now he was asking one word questions.  This was the Vulcan equivalent of freaking the fuck out.  So, it was true.  Jim needed him to admit it, admit that he still was in love with Uhura.  “You can tell me, you know.  I don’t know why you think you have to hide it from me.  Just admit it.”

Spock stood up.  “This conversation has become highly inappropriate.  We may be friends, Captain, but I am entitled to my privacy.  I should leave.”

Jim shot to his feet.  “Spock!  I’m sorry.  You’re right, I’m prying.  I won’t anymore.  Let’s just finish our game.”  He glared up at the mistletoe and snatched it down.  He tossed it towards the ‘fresher, but it landed on his bed.  Great.

“Captain, I think it would be best if we continued the game another night.  I am in need of meditation.”  He walked towards the bathroom door, but it didn’t open.  Frowning, he input the code, but it gave a strange beep and the doors stayed closed.  Spock went over to the door that exited to the hallway, but that wouldn’t open either. 

Jim didn’t really want Spock to leave, but it was odd that the door wasn’t cooperating.  He went over to the door (trying not to notice that Spock quickly stepped away from him) and input his Captain’s override.  It didn’t work.  He fetched his communicator from his desk.  “Captain Kirk to Lieutenant Commander Scott.”

“Scotty here, what’s up Cap’n?”

“The doors in my quarters are malfunctioning.  Do you know what’s going on?”

“Aye, Cap’n.  I’ve gotten some other reports of it happening.  I’m attempting to diagnose the problem right now.”

Jim sighed.  “Alright, keep me updated.  Kirk out.”  He looked over at Spock and tried not to smile smugly.  “Looks like you’re stuck here a bit.  Shall we finish our game?”

After the briefest of pauses, Spock gave a short nod.  “Affirmative, Captain.”

“Call me Jim, please.”

“Jim.”  Spock sat back down and Jim followed suit. They resumed their game, and Jim changed the previous subject by conjecturing about what the problem with the doors might be.  Spock clearly found this to be a more agreeable topic, and engaged in his own theories.

After a while, Jim began to notice a chill in the room.  “Spock, is it just me or has it gotten colder in here?”

“It is not just you.  The temperature has decreased by 10.8 degrees Fahrenheit in the last 15.2 minutes.”

Jim frowned.  He stood up and went over to the computer terminal.  “Computer, why has the temperature decreased in my quarters?”

The computer chirped, then said, “Unknown.” 

Jim sighed and grabbed his communicator.  “Captain Kirk to Lieutenant Commander Scott.”

“Cap’n, we are still attempting to diagnose the problem.  I will let you know when we’ve figured it out.”

“Scotty, there’s a new problem.  The temperature in my room has dropped 10 degrees since the last time we talked.”

“What?  I…wait, hold on.  I’m getting that report in other quarters as well.  Alright, we’ll diagnose that problem as well.”  Jim tossed his communicator on the desk.  He looked over at Spock, who remained impassive, and shrugged.  He sat back down and they resumed their game. 

Fifteen minutes later, and another 10 degrees later, Jim was pulling out a sweater and tossing one to Spock.  Scotty had reported that they figured out the problem and dispatched one of the engineers to repair it.  When he described what was wrong, the jargon he used was so esoteric that it almost sounded like he was making shit up.  Whatever, it was getting fixed, that was all that mattered.

Another 10 degrees later, and Jim pulled out his two jackets, giving Spock the warmer one.  He only had one pair of gloves and argued with Spock over who was going to wear them.  Jim won the argument (he pulled rank) and Spock reluctantly put on the gloves.

After another 10 degrees, they were draping blankets around their shoulders.  Scotty said that the fix didn’t work, so they think they misdiagnosed and were running another diagnostic.

By the time it was 18 degrees Fahrenheit in the cabin, they’d abandoned the chess game and were on the bed with more blankets.  “Spock, I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable, but do you mind if we huddle together under the blankets?  Share body heat?”

“Captain, you are aware from past experience that I am willing to overcome my discomfort when the circumstances are extreme.”

Jim tried not to feel hurt over Spock confirming that he found the idea of cuddling with him to be distasteful.  “Call me Jim.  After all, we’re about to get up close and personal.”  Jim admitted to himself that he made the joke in the childish attempt to make Spock even more uncomfortable.  Whatever, he was about to cuddle with Spock and that was all that mattered.  “Alright, I think the best way to do this is to lay down and pull the comforter over our heads.”

Spock gave a short nod and they both got into position and Jim draped his comforter over them so they were covered head to toe.  Spock was spooning him from behind.  Spooning him!  “Captain...”

“Jim!”

Spock exhaled next to Jim’s ear, which was fantastic.  “ _Jim_.  Since you refused to wear your gloves, I propose that you turn around and place your hands underneath my coat so that they will be warmed by my heat.”

Yes!  That was a brilliant idea.  Really the best.  Jim turned (not too eagerly!) and after Spock unzipped his coat, Jim circled Spock’s waist with his arms.  Not exactly what Spock had suggested, but his hand _was_ inside the coat.  Jim scooted down a little so that his face was snuggled against Spock’s chest instead of his neck.  Jim really wanted to bury his face in Spock’s neck, but there was the whole touch telepath thing.  But this was still fine.  More than fine, it was fabulous. 

After a brief moment (probably trying to suppress his _discomfort_ ), Spock let his arms drape around Jim’s shoulders and pulled him in a little more.  Jim had never been a cuddler, but he would happily spend the rest of his life cuddling with Spock. 

*

Spock was glad that his heart wasn’t in the spot where humans had theirs, or Jim would hear it beating faster.  Jim’s arm was resting above the spot on his side where it was located, so there was no danger of him feeling the quickening rhythm.

Spock was unsure what was causing his heart to behave in this manner.  It wasn’t arousal…for the moment anyway.  He was not in danger.  It was something about Jim’s proximity, the intimacy of their positions, that made his heart _race_.  He remembered the euphemism from his mother’s logs, when she described how it felt whenever Sarek held her in his arms during their courtship.  _Her heart raced_.  He marveled that even now, over a year after he first listened to them, her logs were helping him understand his emotions.

Shortly after Spock and Nyota ended their romantic relationship, Sarek told him about how Amanda kept a personal log during the time when she met and fell in love with him.  Sarek said that Spock may find the log entries enlightening, though he didn’t explain why.  Spock was gratified to hear his mother’s voice, and get to know her as a young woman through her thoughts and observations of her life. 

Her entries where she detailed her growing feelings for Sarek particularly resonated with Spock, though he wasn’t sure why.  He did note that what she described as the effect love had on her (hunger, craving, ache, _need_ were words she used) was not at all like what he had felt for Nyota.  It had been gentler, more peaceful.  It was part of the reason why they had broken up.  Nyota told him that she sometimes felt more like a sister to him.  She understood that it was his Vulcan nature, but she realized that she wanted more passion from a mate.

The longer Spock listened to his mother’s logs, the stronger the feeling of resonation, until one day he listened to her recount a story of how Sarek was attacked by a xenophobe who loathed Vulcan philosophy and Sarek’s work on Earth as an ambassador.  Sarek was gravely injured, and as he lay in the hospital, Amanda used her personal log to vent her feelings of anguish and rage.  Spock listened to her words of anger in amazement.  His mother had been more pacifist than even the Vulcans, but she confessed to her log how badly she had wanted to hurt the man who had done this to her love. 

It was then that Spock made the connection he’d been missing so far: Jim.  The feelings she described matched almost exactly what he had felt about Khan after Jim’s death.  After coming to this realization, Spock went over all the other emotions his mother had described, and found that many of them matched what he felt about his Captain.  He’d explained away each of these feelings individually, but taken collectively, he realized that what he felt for Jim must be the same as what Amanda felt for Sarek – love.  He was in love with Jim. 

After this revelation, and a great deal of meditation, he made two calls.  The first was to his father.  He asked Sarek if he had suspected Spock’s feelings for Jim, and sent him the logs for that reason.  Sarek admitted that was his purpose.  He did not feel equipped to help Spock understand what it was he was feeling.  Only his mother could do that, and the logs were the next best thing. 

The second call was to Ambassador Selek.  He bluntly asked his older counterpart what the exact nature of his relationship with his Jim Kirk had been.  Selek raised one eyebrow, and his expression was far more amused than Spock would allow on his own features.  He revealed that he and Jim had been bondmates.  More specifically, they were t’hy’la.  Spock was stunned to hear this.  It was the most revered of bonds, and unheard of that it could be experienced with a non-Vulcan. 

Selek went on to say that it was his belief that in any universe where Jim and Spock have a connection, they are t’hy’la.  He said that he once traveled to another universe where Jim was Captain of the Enterprise, and Spock was his first officer, but they were far more barbaric and cunning.  He had sensed their t’hy’la bond, but it was not romantic in their case, and not even really friendship.  They were more like warrior brothers.

Spock concluded after that conversation that he and Jim were potentially t’hy’la, and that a bond might form if they were to mind meld (something he _very_ much wanted to do with Jim).  But given Jim’s pattern of sexual preference it was likely that their bond would be that of friends and brothers, not lovers. 

Spock’s musings were interrupted by the door opening. Scotty walked in.  “Cap’n!  Mr. Spock!  As you can see, we’ve fixed the problem.  Your quarters should be warming up real soon.  Did I interrupt something?”

Jim rolled out of Spock’s arms and glared at him. “Yeah, Scotty.  Spock and I thought that zero degrees was the perfect temperature for sexing it up.  Oh god, is that warm air coming from the corridor?  It’s heaven.  I’m going to the mess and having five hot cocoas.  My quarters better be toasty when I get back.”  He started stripping off his layers as he headed for the door. 

When he’d disappeared around the corner, Scotty turned to Spock and winced.  “I know it must have been harder for you, with your green blood.”

Spock just gave him a short nod and went to the door to the bathroom, which now worked, and went through to his quarters.  He prepared himself to meditate, and absolutely did not think about how much he had enjoyed the close proximity to Jim.  Nor did he think about how he would be able to enjoy that every night if he and Jim were in a romantic relationship. 


	4. Chapter 4

Jim had to admit to himself that he was more than a little excited that the secret santa gift exchange was finally happening.  He couldn’t wait for Spock to see his gift.  It was pretty much the best gift ever and Spock would love it and declare his undying love.  Okay, maybe not.  But he was definitely going to love his gift.  Jim didn’t even care who his santa was.

The plan was for people to drop off their gifts to a room designated as The North Pole, and then the yeomen would distribute the gifts to the recipients in their quarters.  Chekov was upset by this plan, because in Russia (where secret santa was invented) the exchange of gifts happened at the holiday party.  Uhura vetoed this, saying that the party would go on for like a week if over 400 people exchanged gifts at the same time.  He wasn’t sure why this was a deterrent.

Jim’s door chimed and Yeoman Rand entered, presenting him with box that was wrapped in green with a bright green ribbon.  He thanked her and she left.  Jim sat down and pulled the card, which said, “I hope that this brings you many hours of enjoyment.  Regards, Spock.”  Jim stared at the card for a full minute, then commed Lieutenant Uhura. 

“Yes, Captain?”

“Uhura, I asked for Spock to be my _victim_.  Not my santa.”

She laughed.  “Spock made the same request you did, so you are both each other’s santa and victim.”

Jim set down his communicator.  Spock _wanted_ to give him a gift?  He was almost afraid to open it.  What would Spock want to give him?

Jim tore open the wrapping paper and opened the box.  It was…it was a sex toy.  A green sex toy.  With lube. Cinnamon flavored lube.  Jim stared at it for a really long time.  He read the card again.  Then he stared at the contents of the box again. 

Jim very carefully put the box on his bed, then went to Spock’s quarters.  “Okay, I don’t get it.”

Spock stared at him quizzically.  “Get what, Captain?”

Jim looked at the ceiling.  “Your gift!  I got the secret santa gift. What were you _thinking_?”  Jim didn’t mean to sound so aggressive.  He just felt like a trick was being played on him.  Even though the better part of him _knew_ that Spock wouldn’t ever joke, the part of him that insisted on self-preservation needed to know for sure.

Spock’s cheeks tinted green.  “Captain?”

Jim pressed his lips together.  “Your _gift_.  This isn’t your style.  Or so I thought.  I need to understand just what was going on in your head when you chose it.”

Spock stared at the floor for an extremely long period of time.  Then he looked up.  “What went through my head, Captain, was that I thought you would enjoy it. Is that not the case?”

Jim huffed out a breath.  “Well…I mean…I guess.  It is something I would enjoy, yes.”  Oh god oh god oh god oh god, was this just a cultural misunderstanding? Maybe Vulcans didn’t view sex in the same way?  It wasn’t a taboo?

Or there was another possibility. Back at the Academy, one of his friends had gotten him a blow up doll, one of those silly gags you see in old vids.  Maybe Spock researched what human male friends got each other as gifts and thought this would make Jim laugh?  Maybe if it had been Bones, he would have laughed.  He just couldn’t with Spock because of how he felt about him. 

“Uh, you know what, I’m being silly.  I was just…surprised, that’s all.  It’s a fine gift.  Thanks, Spock.”  He gave him his usual grin.

Spock stared at him for half a minute, then his shoulders seemed to relax. “I am gratified you like it, Jim.  Perhaps we can use it later?”

Jim stared at him.  “What?”

“Instead of the 3-D chess set, we can use your gift.”

Jim blinked.  “I…I uh…”  He was going to start hyperventilating any moment.  “I have to go, now.  There’s a…thing…”  He turned and fled through the bathroom to his quarters.  He had no idea what Spock was driving at, and he was not equipped at the moment to have that conversation with him.  He’d deal with it later when he’s had time to calm down.  He stashed the box under his bed and picked up his PADD to read the most boring reports he could find.

*

Spock contemplated whether he should meditate.  Jim’s reaction to his gift had rattled him.  Based on his line of questioning it seemed that perhaps the gift was beyond what a friend would give, and so now Jim suspected Spock’s true feelings. This was the very thing Spock had wanted to avoid.  And then when Spock suggested they play chess with the new board, Jim looked even more upset.  Maybe now that he’s discerned Spock’s feelings, he doesn’t want to spend time with him anymore.

Spock’s door chimed.  “Enter.”  Yeoman Rand came in, carrying a box with red wrapping paper and a red bow.  “Your secret santa gift, Mr. Spock.”

Spock suppressed the illogical urge to cringe. He had forgotten that he would be receiving a gift himself.  “Thank you, Yeoman.  Dismissed.”

Spock looked at the card. To his amazement, he saw it was from Jim.  “I heard that this is really good at relieving stress.  I hope you enjoy the flavor as well.   Happy Holidays! – Jim” He wondered whose idea it was for Jim to be his santa.  It certainly couldn’t have been coincidence. 

Spock carefully unwrapped the gift and opened the box.  It was a sex toy.  A red one.  And a bottle of lube.  Strawberry flavored.  Jim thought he would enjoy masturbating to relieve stress?  Spock could perhaps see Jim giving this to Bones with a wink.  But Jim usually respected that it wasn’t in Spock’s nature to casually joke about sex. 

Spock picked up his communicator.  “Captain, this is Spock.”

There was a long pause.  “Umm… Hey Spock, what’s up?”

“Captain, I have just received your secret santa gift.”

This time the response was immediate.  “Really?  Hold on, I’ll be right there.”

Several seconds later, Jim was bursting through the door.  “So, what do you think?  You love it, right?”  His expression was that of hopeful anticipation.  Spock would have to tread carefully.

“Cap…Jim.  I do appreciate the sentiment of wanting me to relieve stress, I admit to being nonplussed by the nature of the gift.  It seems rather…personal.”

Jim’s face fell, and seemed to get paler.  “Personal?  I mean…I suppose it’s made you think about some things that you haven’t thought about in a while.  Things that are personal.  I guess I just thought that we’re good enough friends that we could enjoy your gift together and you could share those personal things with me.” 

Spock stared at him.  “You wanted us to enjoy my gift _together_?”

Jim rubbed the back of his neck.  “Apparently not.  It’s too _personal_.”  He looked crestfallen.

“Jim, I am at a loss to understand.  In all my years interacting with humans, I have never heard of platonic friends using sex toys together.”

Jim looked up.  “Wait, what?  Are we talking about my gift again?  You were suggesting that very thing half an hour ago.  It was why I left.  It was completely out of character for you, and I didn’t know how to deal.”

Spock was bewildered.  “Jim, we are still talking about my gift.  Are you really proposing that we use this together?”  He retrieved the box from his desk and held it up.

Jim snatched the box from his hand and stared at the contents.  “Spock!  That isn’t what I gave you!  This is…this is just like the one you got me.  Except mine was green.  And had cinnamon flavored lube.”  Jim started towards the bathroom.  “Come on.”

Spock followed Jim into his quarters, and Jim retrieved a box from under his bed and thrust it at Spock.  Inside was a sex toy, as Jim had described.  “This is not what I gave you.  You thought I gave you a sex toy?” 

Jim laughed a little hysterically.  “I didn’t know what to think!  I figured maybe you’d gotten some really bad advice on what friends give each other.  But then you suggested we use it together and I think my brain shorted out.”

“I believe I went through a similar reaction when you made your suggestion.”  Jim’s laughter was appealing, and Spock felt relief. 

Jim commed Uhura and told her that they got the wrong gifts.  Ten minutes later she was at the door with two boxes. “Whoopsie!  The cards must have gotten mixed up with the boxes.  Here you go.” 

She left without asking for the other gifts.  Spock found that to be odd – were there not now two people who haven’t gotten their gifts?  Except, that was not the only thing wrong with this scenario.  “Jim, before you open your gift, there is something we must discuss.  Do you not think it strange that we were both given the wrong gift, and that our incorrect gifts happened to be the same thing?”

Jim reluctantly put down his box.  “You’re right.  It _is_ a strange coincidence.  Unless…do you think maybe the party planning committee was playing a joke on us?  Maybe that’s the big secret they’ve been keeping.”

“Jim, I think it goes beyond just these gifts.  There is also the coincidence of the mistletoe appearing in our quarters right above where the chess board is set up, on two separate occasions.  And the coincidence of the shuttle twice experiencing turbulence right at the moment when we are next to each other and had to hold onto each other to avoid injury.”

Jim sat on the edge of the desk.  “That doesn’t just sound like a prank.  All of those things involve physical intimacy.  Holy shit, the incident with the broken door and freezing temperature!  Those assholes wanted us to cuddle.”

“Do you think their intent was to bring about a change in our relationship to one of a romantic nature?”

“I think they were matchmaking.”

“That is what I said.”

“Well, Spock, there’s only one way to find out.  We ask Bones.”

*

Jim glared at Bones, who had been laughing for the last two minutes straight.  “Oh man, the old sharing body heat trick.  Classic!”

“Are you finished?  You don’t look very surprised, Bones.  You knew what they were up to, didn’t you?”

Bones wiped a tear from his eyes.  “Yeah, they confessed when I went to that meeting.  And then swore me to secrecy.”

“And you let them go through with it? Why? Why did they do this?”

Bones gave him a knowing look.  “Why do you think?”

Jim’s eyes widened in apprehension.  “Bones…”

Bones sighed.  “Look, you wanted them to boost morale with some holiday cheer.  There’s nothing more cheerful during the holidays than romance.  They think you two are a great team, but both of you seem so _lonely_.  They thought the crew would get a kick out of it if you two got together.”

Jim rubbed his face with his hand.  “Is there anything more planned?”

Bones smirked.  “I don’t know the details, but the holidays aren’t over yet.”  Jim groaned. 

Spock frowned, “We must tell them to desist immediately or face reprimand.”

Bones held up his hand.  “Look, Spock, I don’t think bringing down the hammer on them is a good idea.”

Spock’s expression was reproachful.  “I was not suggesting anything so barbaric as physical torture.”

Jim gave a little laugh.  “No, Bones is right.  They meant well.  We should find a way to get them to stop without making them feel bad.”

Bones smiled.  “I have an idea, one that will get them to stop _and_ will boost morale at the same time. But you’re not going to like it.”

Jim folded his arms.  “I’m willing to try anything.”

Bones smiled even wider, looking positively shark-like.  “The way to get them to stop is to make them think it worked.  Pretend like you’re together, just through the holidays.  Then you can do a fake breakup once there’s something else to look forward to, like shore leave.”

Spock narrowed his eyes.  “You want us to lie?”

“Not really.  You don’t have to actually _say_ you’re together.  Just put on a show.  Kiss under the mistletoe at the holiday party.  Sit closer together in the mess hall.  If you sleep in the same bed, the yeomen will notice and it will really spread around the ship.  I guarantee you the crew will be thrilled and it will take their mind off things.”

Jim flushed at the idea of doing all those things with Spock.  It made him want to agree to this ridiculous plan.  “I see what you mean about boosting morale.  And it would get the party planning committee off our backs.  Spock?”

“Sir?”  His voice sounded strained. 

“I know this makes you very uncomfortable, and it’s perfectly okay if you don’t want to do this.”

“I will do it.  The wellbeing of the crew is very important to me.”  Jim was stunned.  Flabbergasted.  Bones looked like someone hit him with a frying pan.  Spock stood up.  “We should go back to our quarters and plan our strategy.  Also, we still have not exchanged our gifts.  Shall we?”

Jim stood up and followed him dazedly out the door, ignoring Bones’ laughter.


	5. Chapter 5

Spock knew Jim was surprised he agreed to the plan.  If it had been anyone else, he would have outright refused.  But as soon as Dr. McCoy proposed them sleeping in the same bed, he knew that he would go along with the charade.  Spock hadn’t been able to forget how it felt to hold Jim in his arms, he could not pass up the opportunity to do so again.

When they got back to Jim’s quarters, Spock picked up his gift and gave it to Jim.  “I hope your reaction to the real gift will be more positive.”

Jim laughed.  “I’m pretty sure that you could give me a box of rocks and it would be an improvement.”  He hefted the box.  “This is pretty heavy, maybe it is a box of rocks.  You’re a scientist.  Have you been collecting geological specimens with the intent of gifting them to me?”

“Captain, I can assure you that any geological specimens I’ve collected remain in the laboratory.”

Jim laughed again and opened the box.  His expression of delight was very gratifying, and worth the long wait.  “This is the fucking coolest thing I’ve ever seen.  Oh man, I see now what you meant about using this instead of our usual board.  I absolutely want to do that.  _Spock_.  I love it.  I really do.  This is just… Thank you.”

Spock felt his cheeks grow very warm.  “I believe I will open your gift, now.” 

He hesitated, because Jim looked very nervous.  “I don’t think my gift is as great as yours.  But I hope you like it.”

Spock carefully removed the wrapping paper to reveal a wooden box.  He opened it and saw that it was a set of Vulcan spice teas.  He could tell from the packaging that it was from the original Vulcan.  “ _Jim_.  This is extremely rare, and prized among Vulcans.  These leaves were grown on our planet which no longer exists.  All attempts to replicate them on New Vulcan have been unsuccessful.”  He lifted the box to his nose and breathed in the scent of the tea.  “Your note is correct; this blend is perfect for calming one’s mind.  I am sure I will enjoy the flavor.”  He gave Jim a look that, for him, was quite warm.  “ _Thank you_.” 

Jim looked down, his cheeks very red.  “When you said that my gift was too personal, I know that it was because it was the wrong gift.  But at the time I thought you meant that the tea reminded you of Vulcan, and those memories were too personal to share with me.”

 Spock felt overwhelmed.  “Ashayam, I would be honored to share with you both this tea and my memories of Vulcan.  There is nothing too personal where you are concerned.”  Spock realized that he was revealing too much, but he felt compromised.

Jim peered up at Spock through his lashes.  “What does ashayam mean?”

Spock looked away.  “It is a Vulcan term of endearment.  If I were to call you that in front of Uhura, she would immediately make the assumption that we are in a romantic relationship.”

Jim gave him a small smile that didn’t seem genuine.  “So you’re practicing for our little charade?”

“I think it is best if we commence with the ruse as soon as possible, so that our senior staff do not execute anymore of _their_ plans.  Would you be amenable to sleeping in my bed, tonight?”

Jim blinked rapidly.  “Your bed?  Why not my bed?”

“Yeoman Rand services both of our quarters.  If she sees my bed not slept in, she might assume that I have been meditating all night.  It will be more obvious if yours is the one that is unrumpled.  Also, you have a tendency to discard your soiled uniform on the floor of your quarters, while I am more tidy.  If you discard your shirt on _my_ floor, it will be even more apparent that you spent the night in my quarters.”

Jim took a deep breath.  “Logical.  Yeah, that’s fine with me.  I can also bring my book over and put it on your bedside table, so that it’s really clear whose yellow command shirt is on the floor.”

“An excellent idea.”

 Jim clapped his hands together.  “It’s almost time for dinner.  We can go down to the mess hall and get cozy and call each other pet names.  What do you think of Spockums?”

“Please do not.  If you must call me something other than my name, I would prefer something that is sincere, not infantile.”

Jim grinned.  “I think I can do that.”  He started to head towards the door and then stopped.  “Um…how do you feel about touching?  Everyone knows I’m a very touchy feely kind of guy.  I’ve tried to restrain myself with you, keeping it at friendly pats and making sure not to touch your skin.”

“I am amenable to increased touching.  I will make sure that I have my shields up should you come into contact with my skin.”

Jim looked concerned.  “Will you be able to read my thoughts?”

“Not if my shields are up and the contact is not prolonged.”

Jim rubbed the back of his neck.  “It’s just that one Vulcan we met awhile back.  Saavik.  She was able to read me just from an accidental touching.”

“She was young and used to being around other Vulcans who do not project as much as humans.  We do not require our shields as much around our own kind.”  Spock paused.  “I do remember the incident.  Were you embarrassed because you were interested in her romantically?”

Jim laughed.  “Saavik?  Noooo, she’s not my type.”

Spock stilled.  “Because she is Vulcan?”

Jim laughed even harder, shaking his head.  “No, because she was practically an infant.  She was the same age as Pavel was when we first met him.  Just because she acted more mature doesn’t mean she wasn’t still a kid.”

Spock felt relief.  “Indeed.”  He didn’t know why he was pursuing this, but he couldn’t seem to help himself.  “If she had been older, would you have found her attractive?”

Jim gusted out a sigh.  “I dunno.  Physically, maybe.  But I don’t think I could see myself with someone _that_ Vulcan.  If she were more like you, maybe.  But there’s no one like you.”  He smiled at Spock and winked, and Spock felt that sensation in his abdomen that his mother described as butterflies.  “Come on, let’s go.  I’m starved.”

*

Jim practically bounded into the mess hall.  He was going to get to behave around Spock the way that he’d been dreaming about.  It was the best.  Bones was a genius.  He almost wanted to thank the party planning committee.  He leaned in towards Spock.  “I was just thinking, we can’t let them know we figured out what they were doing.  They might think we’re faking a relationship to stop their antics.” 

“That is exactly what we’re doing, Captain.”

“Jim, you gotta start calling me Jim if you’re going to be my boyfriend.  If they figure out what we’re up to, then it will be all out war.  Just play it cool and let them think they won.”

“Affirmative, Cap...Jim.”  Jim grinned.

After they got their food, they saw Uhura and Sulu sitting together.  They went to sit down next to them.  Jim made sure to sit extra close to Spock, so that their shoulders touched.  “So was the secret santa a success?”

Uhura nodded and smiled.  “Oh it was a big hit.  There’s a lot of chatter. I’m sorry again about the mix-up with yours.”

Jim smiled slyly.  “I would have been more upset if our actual gifts had gone missing.  They were very special and meaningful to us.  Isn’t that right, sweetheart?”

Spock gave him his ‘I’m trying not to look amused but I am super amused’ gaze.  “Indeed, ashayam.”

Uhura’s eyes widened.  Jim casually popped a French fry into his mouth.  “You know, when you brought our real gifts, you forgot to take the other ones.”

Uhura blinked.  “Oh, it’s fine.  I think they must have been extras.  Or something.”

Jim shrugged.  “Okay.  Well, we’ll put them to good use.”  He gave Spock a bawdy grin.  This time it was Sulu’s eyes that widened.  He wasn’t even supposed to know what was in those boxes.

“Cap’n!  Guess who arrived today!”

Jim turned to see Scotty and Jaylah approaching.  “Jaylah!”  He leapt up and gave her a big hug.  He pulled back to look her up and down.  “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“I make your eyes hurt, Captain?”

Jim laughed.  “Come on, sit down, sit down. Wait, not next to Spock.  That’s my seat.”

Jaylah regarded him earnestly.  “I would not dare to come between you and Mr. Spock.  I am no fool.”

Jim shook his head. Even Jaylah, who hasn’t been around them nearly as long as the rest of the crew, seemed to think they belong together.  He wished the party planners had succeeded.  But if Spock wasn’t interested, he wasn’t interested, and no amount of mistletoe or sex toys was going to change that.  Jim would have to be content with the charade.  He knew it was going to be _really hard_ once they stop and pretend to break up. 

*

After dinner, they went back to Spock’s quarters and played chess using Jim’s new set.  He was clearly enamored of it.  After several games, they tried some of Spock’s new tea, which did indeed flood him with memories.  He told Jim about how his father would brew it for his mother when she was feeling frustrated over some Vulcan behavior.  He talked about the history of the leaves and the family that grew them (now deceased).  When they finished their tea, Jim’s eyes were starting to droop, so he went to his quarters and prepared for bed, then came in with his book and crawled into Spock’s bunk.  He looked over at Spock, questioningly.

“I usually meditate for several hours before I require sleep.”

It seemed as if Jim looked slightly disappointed.  “Will it disturb you for me to read?”

“Negative.  When you are ready to sleep, you may turn out the light.”

Jim smiled.  “Okay.”  He opened his book and relaxed against the pillow.  Spock almost changed his mind, but he told himself he would be able to hold his ashayam later.  Meditation must come first if he was going to be able to keep his promise to Jim and maintain his shields as they sleep together. 

Spock went over to the corner where he usually meditated and lit some incense.  After 34.8 minutes, he heard Jim whisper to lower the lights.  Another 10.4 minutes later and he was able to discern from Jim’s breathing pattern that he was asleep.  Spock meditated another 3.1 hours and then he eased onto the bed with Jim.  As soon as he settled underneath his blanket, he cautiously scooted closer to Jim.  A moment later, Jim turned slightly and buried his face in Spock’s shoulder.  His hand touched Spock’s, and Spock sensed contentment from him before he pulled his hand away.  Hand-to-hand touching would be inadvisable until Spock was sure that he could control himself.  He curled his arm around Jim’s shoulder, pulling him in a little more, and Jim sighed in his sleep. 

*

As Jim woke up, he could smell something delightful, but wasn’t sure what it was.  He moved his nose, and felt slightly raspy skin.  He opened his eyes, and that was when he realized his face was nestled right underneath Spock’s ear.  _Yesssss_.  Perfect, perfect, perfect.  Except it was dangerous, because he wanted to nuzzle that ear.  And bite it.  And…ugh, he needed to stop this train of thought.  He redirected his focus on the fact that Spock had his arms around him and it felt so right.  He took a deep breath, inhaling that delicious scent, and settled in a little. 

“It would be unwise to go back to sleep, Jim.  We have alpha shift in 25.9 minutes.”

Jim froze, then lifted his gaze until his eyes met Spock’s chocolate brown ones.  “Morning,” he said cautiously.  He hoped like hell Spock’s shields had been working.  “Sorry for being an octopus.  I’ve always been a cuddler.”

Spock raised one eyebrow.  “It is illogical to apologize for attempting to make efficient use of a bed that is meant for one person.  Also, given that I lowered the temperature in my quarters to make you more comfortable, I appreciated the warmth that your body provided during the night.”

Jim flushed at his bald statement. “Right.  Well, there’s more where that came from.  Haha.”  Jesus, what was he even saying?  Jim rolled out of the bed.  “Well, guess we better get ready.  Hey, how do you suppose we should behave on the bridge?”

“I propose that we do not change how we function on the bridge.  If you recall, Nyota and I always behaved professionally when we were on duty.”  Jim fought the urge to frown at being reminded of Spock’s former relationship.  He nodded and went through the bathroom to get ready for shift in his room.

Despite what Spock said, Jim decided to act like he would if they really were in a relationship.  This included staring at him unabashedly whenever he was bent over a console reporting on data readouts, leaning in close whenever they discussed something, winking at him whenever the discussion was finished.  It was true these were little things, but he’d had to suppress his feelings for so long that it felt like a relief.  And it felt _right_.  Especially Spock’s reactions.  Throughout the shift, his gaze, his voice, his whole demeanor softened.  Not that anyone else could tell, but Jim absolutely could and it was fantastic.  Who knew that Spock would blossom because of some gentle flirting?

At the mess hall that night, Jim turned it on a little stronger, now that they weren’t on duty.  Spock was turning green right before him, but he didn’t give him The Look that said to knock it off.  The rest of the senior officers, who’d been witness to this all day, seemed to be a mix of smugness and awe.  And in Chekov’s case, a bit choked up (he was always a sap).  All in all, Jim was very happy.  He got to dote on Spock, his crew was happy, life was good.  He refused to dwell on what would come later. 

The rest of the evening was a lovely repeat of the night before, though they didn’t have the new spice tea.  Given its rarity, Spock thought it wise to save it for special occasions.  As Jim sat in bed reading The Hobbit, he kept sneaking glances over at Spock meditating.  He was so beautiful.  And even though Jim wasn’t himself meditating, he still felt very peaceful from the scent of the incense, and the quiet, and the knowledge that eventually Spock was going to climb into the bed with him and they’d be “forced” to snuggle again.  Jim eventually closed his book and called for lights to 5%, then watched Spock in the dimness until his eyes drooped shut and he was asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The next two days passed just as delightfully as the previous one, and Jim decided this was the best Christmas ever.  Their charade appeared to be working, as there were no more shenanigans from the party planning committee.  Jim even took a trip down to the planet in a shuttle with Scotty and Jaylah, and lo and behold there was no turbulence.  Of course, Spock wasn’t with him (much to his chagrin). 

The night of the big holiday bash, Jim got ready in his quarters and then went over to Spock’s so they could go together.  He grinned when he saw Spock.  “You always look so good in your Vulcan robes.”  He wanted to make a crack about looking good _out_ of his robes, but he didn’t think he’d get away with it since they were alone.  Jim flopped on the bed.  “Alright, we gotta strategize for tonight.  Everyone’s gonna be looser at the party, so _we_ have to be looser.  We should do at least one slow dance.  How do you feel about kissing underneath the mistletoe?”

Spock stood at parade rest, his hands behind his back.  “In my experience with Nyota, I’ve found that human kissing is not as intimate as Vulcan kissing, and therefore I do not believe it will be cause for concern.”

Ugh, there was the mention of Uhura again.  He couldn’t help pushing it.  “Yeah, well I’m sure there’s a big difference between the way Uhura kisses, and the way _I_ kiss.”  He leaned closer.  “I can make a peck on the cheek seem pretty damned intimate.”  Spock merely raised one eyebrow.  “Okay, okay, I guess we’ll find out.  I’m curious, though.  I only know a little bit about Vulcan kissing – that it involves hands, which are very sensitive for Vulcans.  What about it makes it so intimate?”  He made sure to keep his expression serious and interested, because he really did want to know.

Spock narrowed his eyes, but apparently saw that Jim was sincere.  He sat down on the edge of the bed.  “There is a misconception that touching hands is always an erotic experience for a Vulcan.  This is not true.  Touching of hands can be platonic or familial in the same way that human kisses can be.  You may kiss your mother or a friend and it only feels pleasant.  It becomes erotic when there is sexual attraction or romantic love.  The reason why Vulcan kisses are intimate is because our hands are the most sensitive receptors for telepathy.  It was one of the reasons why Saavik was able to read you so quickly.  If you had accidentally touched her arm, it would not have been as severe.  So imagine, if you were to kiss your mother, or a friend, or a lover, and there was the added element of telepathy.”

Jim blinked.  “Wow.  What about with bondmates?  Is it really strong when they Vulcan kiss?”

“Indeed.  The Vulcans call that the ohz’esta.  The bondmates will touch the first two fingers of their hands together.    I have heard that it can be very strong even with potential bondmates.”

“Potential bondmates?  You mean like someone you’re destined to be with and you just haven’t completed the bond yet?”

Spock looked away, a very strange expression on his face.  “Not necessarily.  Generally, it means two people who have highly compatible minds.  If such two people share a Vulcan kiss, their minds recognize that potential and seek to form a bond.”  Spock paused a bit, as if hesitant to say something.  “There _is_ a such thing as two people being destined to be bondmates.  Though it is very rare, and not always romantic in nature.  It is called…” 

Jim’s comm chirped.   He sighed in frustration.  He’d been utterly captivated by these glimpses into Vulcan culture.  He grabbed his communicator and flipped it open.  “Kirk here.”  He listened impatiently as he fielded some questions by the helmsman assigned to the beta shift for the next couple of hours (the bridge crew would be rotating more frequently for the night so that no one has to miss out on the party).  

When he wrapped up the discussion, Spock was standing by the door.  “We should go.  I have never enjoyed parties to begin with, and the fact that we will be the center of attention makes me wish to, as humans say, ‘get it over with.’”

Jim smiled fondly at him.  “I understand, Spock.  I appreciate the effort and I promise not to make you stay too long.”

*

When they walked in, the song ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ by Twisted Sister was playing.  Jim laughed.  That had to be Jaylah’s doing.  Sure enough, she was out on the dance floor with Scotty.  When she saw Jim, she waved him over.  He gave Spock a wink and joined them on the dance floor.  When that song was over, ‘Christmas Jam’ by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra came on and Pavel gave a happy shout and ran over.  “This was made in Russia!”  Jim giggled.  Not actually true, but unlike scotch, it had the virtue of _seeming_ true.

Jim danced for two more songs, then went to go find Spock or the punch bowl, whichever came first.  He kept getting waylaid by crew members wanting to chat with him.  When he finally made it to the punch bowl, he was thrilled to see that Spock was right there next to it.

Spock handed him a cup of punch.  Jim gulped down the sugary liquid.  His eyes widened when he saw the next table over had a vast array of holiday cookies.  “They have snowballs!”   He rushed over and picked up a cookie that was liberally dusted with powdered sugar.  He ate two in a row.  He turned and saw that Spock had followed him. 

Spock looked down at Jim’s lips, and his own gave a little twitch.  “Jim, you have powdered sugar all over your lips.”

Jim gave him a mischievous look.  “Do I?”  He gave a thorough swipe of his tongue across his upper and then lower lip.  “All good now?”

“Affirmative.”  Jim was not imagining that Spock’s voice was a little rough.  He started scanning the ceiling.  He really wanted to kiss Spock.  But there wasn’t any damned mistletoe in sight.  What the hell, man? 

He looked back down at Spock, and saw amusement in his eyes.  Jim cleared his throat and attempted nonchalance.  “I wanted to get the kissing thing over with before I’ve had too much to drink.  I lose a lot of my finesse when I’m drunk.”

Jim caught the sound of the next song starting to play, and gasped.  “I love this song!”  It was ‘That Spirit of Christmas’ by Ray Charles.  He looked imploringly at Spock.  “Dance with me?”

Spock gave him a warm look and lifted his elbow.  Excitedly, Jim looped his arm through Spock’s, and they went out to the dance floor.  Spock put his hands loosely on Jim’s hips, and Jim draped his arms on Spock’s shoulder, clasping his hands behind Spock’s neck (making sure not to touch the skin).  They swayed along to the song.  “I first fell in love with this song when I watched this old vid called Christmas Vacation.  It embodies everything about the holidays to me.”

He felt himself get a little melancholy as he listened to the part that said, ‘Why can’t it remain all through the year?’  He wasn’t thinking of the holidays, per se, but of having Spock in his arms.  Feeling Spock’s hands on him, warm and softly gripping.  Jim wanted to put his head on Spock’s shoulder, but there were a number of eyes on them and it felt too intimate.

Spock’s tilted his head, listening to the lyrics.  “I can see why you like it.  You derive pleasure from observing your loved ones enjoy the holiday.  In this case, your loved ones are your crew.”

Jim smiled and looked down.  “Now that you put it that way…  We’ve served aboard this ship for years now, but this is the first time that we’ve all celebrated together.  And this is the happiest I’ve ever been during this time of year.”  He didn’t add that part of the reason for that was because of Spock.

“I know, Jim.  It is why I have gone along with the illogical plans.  I know you would do anything for your crew, and I want to help in any way I can.”

Jim gazed up at Spock.  “Even if it means being physically closer to me than any first officer or Vulcan would ever be comfortable with?”

Jim wasn’t sure, but it seemed like he could feel Spock’s fingers curl tighter around his hips.  “It is no hardship.  I am more comfortable with you than I have ever been with anyone else.  That includes Nyota and…my mother.”  He looked down.  “I find myself wishing, illogically, that I had allowed my mother to hug me more.  I know she wanted it.”

Jim tightened his arms, drawing Spock a little closer.  “You had a parental bond with her, right?  She may not have gotten physical hugs, but she was able to be close to you in a way that most humans don’t get to experience.  I envy her that.”

Spock regarded him curiously.  “Most humans do not like the idea of Vulcan bonds, considering them too invasive.  You do not have such qualms?”

Jim huffed a laugh.  “Most humans don’t feel as alone as I’ve felt most of my life.  To have someone in here,” He tapped his temple, “with me permanently?  Sounds like a dream come true.”

Spock’s expression was unreadable.  “ _Jim_.”

It looked like Spock wanted to say more, but Jaylah appeared in front of them.  “Captain Kirk, why do you dance as if to a slow song when the one currently playing is instructing us to jump around?”

Jim giggled as he realized that the Ray Charles song was finished, and had been replaced with ‘Jump Around’ by Criss Cross. 

Jim reluctantly let go of Spock.  Jaylah took his hand and started jumping up and down.  He giggled again and allowed himself to be led away from Spock.  Spock warmly regarded him, then went to go stand on the sidelines next to Sulu, who was wearing a remarkably ugly holiday sweater.  When that song was over, Pavel made Jim stay on the dance floor for a more recent song called ‘Stayin Fresh’ that attempted to mix vintage rap and disco.  In the spirit of the song, Pavel’s dance moves seemed to be a cross between pop n lock and the hustle.  Jim didn’t think he’d laughed this hard in a long time.  Not since the Academy anyway.

When the song was over, he begged off and headed back to the punch bowl.  Bones was standing there this time, wearing reindeer antlers.  “There’s not enough booze in there, Jim.” 

Jim chuckled and helped himself to a cup.  “Probably a good thing, this party is already pretty crazy.”

Bones raised his eyebrows.  “You seem to be enjoying yourself with Spock.”

Jim sighed happily and took a gulp of punch.  “I am.  Very much.  That was a great idea you had and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Bones smirked.  “Will you be thanking me when you have to make everyone think you’ve broken up?”

Jim’s lips tightened.  “I’m choosing to live in the moment.”

Bones sighed.  “You could choose to make your future the same as this moment if you would just tell him how you feel.”

Jim shook his head.  “I can’t ruin our friendship, Bones!  You know what he gave me for secret santa?  A vintage Lord of the Rings chess set!  That’s the most fantastic thing anyone has ever given me.  He really cares about me, Bones!”

Bones gave him an exasperated look.  “ _You think_?”

Jim went over to the cookie table and began aggressively eating snowballs.  “I _mean_ , he cares about me in a platonic way.”

Bones glanced over Jim’s head, then over to his right.  His gaze turned speculative.  “We’ll see about that.”

Jim was confused, until he looked up and saw he was under the mistletoe.  He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to see Spock standing there.  He was looking intently at Jim’s lips.  “Uh…I got sugar everywhere didn’t I?”

“Do not worry, I will take care of it this time.”  Spock lowered his head and his lips brushed against Jim’s.  Jim knew it was a cliché, but it truly felt like time had frozen.  Spock captured his lips again, and this time Jim felt his tongue sweep across his lips, removing the sugar as promised.  Jim grabbed Spock’s shoulders, holding on so his knees wouldn’t buckle.  A small part of his brain that hadn’t completely shut down felt the irony of the fact that he’d bragged about his kissing skills earlier, but Spock was the one showing him how it was done.  Jim was about to settle in for a nice long make out session, but then he distantly heard the sound of people whooping and remembered that they were putting on a show. 

Thinking that Spock probably wouldn’t like to prolong this, Jim broke the kiss and took a deep breath.  He pasted a self-satisfied grin on his face and picked up his cup of punch, looking for all the world as if that hadn’t been their very first (last?) kiss.  After all, as far as everyone else knew (thanks to gossiping yeomen), they’d been doing a lot more than kissing for several days now.

*

Spock allowed himself to be drawn into a conversation with Sulu, who was explaining the origin of mistletoe and its tradition.  He watched as Jim downed glass after glass of punch.  He would become dehydrated if he didn’t have water soon.  At least the punch was non-alcoholic. 

Spock was feeling emotionally compromised from the kiss and from their previous conversation.  Jim’s assertion that he would like a bond had shaken him, and the kiss had compromised him to the point that he’d inadvertently lowered his shields.  He felt from Jim a combination of arousal and delight and yearning. 

Spock wondered what the yearning was for.  Perhaps the kiss reminded Jim that he had not had sex in a very long time (Spock decided not to dwell on how he knew this).    It would also explain why he was experiencing arousal.  ‘Any port in a storm’ as the humans would say.  And the delight…was likely due to the success of their ruse.  The crew seemed to be extremely pleased at their displays of affection - both the dancing and the kiss. 

Doctor McCoy was right – there had been no need to lie.  People interpreted their actions as they saw fit.  And because Spock (unintentionally) intimidated most of the crew, no one asked him questions about the relationship.  One could even say that his actions did not count as a lie, since everything he had been doing with Jim were things that he sincerely wanted to do. 

Spock felt something hard pressing on his trapezius and he glanced down to see that Jim had his chin resting on his shoulder and he was looking up at Spock through his eyelashes.  “Spock, I love this song, too.  Will you do one more dance with me?” 

Spock listened and recognized Judy Garland singing ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.’  His mother had been a fan of hers, and he found her voice to be pleasing.  “Of course, Jim.”  They went back to the dance floor and Jim’s arms went around him once again.  He had his eyes closed and he was mouthing the words to the song.  When the song came to the part with the phrase, “Make the yuletide gay,” Jim opened his eyes and winked. 

Spock found himself compelled to speak.  “Jim, I know that the song was not referring to sexual preference, but it did remind me of something I have been meaning to say.  It has been my experience that most human heterosexual males experience agitation if it is even implied they are homosexual.  You have not conveyed any discomfort at the matchmaking plans, nor at the frequent physical contact between us.  I am gratified at your mature approach.”

Jim chuckled.  “Don’t give me credit where none is due.  I’m pansexual, so of course it doesn’t bother me.”

Spock’s eyes widened slightly.  “You are?  I had calculated a 100% probability of your being heterosexual based on my observation of your behavior.”

Jim shrugged.  “If you ever took shore leave with me in the early days, you would have seen me go home with a variety of genders and species. “

Spock tilted his head.  “I admit that my observations have been mostly limited to your flirtations on diplomatic missions, and I have only ever seen you flirt with females.”

Jim nodded.  “Most women who like to flirt aren’t really interested in sex.  They’re just having some harmless fun with a good-looking guy.”  He flashed his teeth in a grin.  “When I flirt with men, they interpret it as sexual intent.  I never flirt with a man unless my intention is the same.”

“So, the numerous times I’ve seen you flirt with women, you weren’t engaging them for sex?”

Jim shrugged again.  “Only in a few cases.”

“Fascinating.”

“What about you?  No discomfort about having to kiss a man even though you prefer women?”

“You are also making assumptions, Jim.  When it comes to attraction, gender is not as important to me as compatibility of the mind.”

Jim looked away.  “You mentioned that before.  Potential bondmates.  I suppose you and Uhura were very compatible?”

“We were compatible, but not _very_ much so.  It was a long time before I realized that our compatibility was not strong enough to form a bond.  I thought for some time that it was because she was human.  But I learned that wasn’t the case, and had to decide whether to continue our relationship with no expectations of bonding, or break up in the hopes that I would find a stronger compatibility.”

“So that was the reason you broke up for good?”

“It played a big part.”  He hadn’t realized it at the time, but his compatibility with Jim had drawn him away from Nyota.  Spock’s mind hungered for him, which was typical of how the t’hy’la bond is described in lore.

Spock noticed a flurry of movement close by and realized that once again the music had changed to an upbeat tempo and people were dancing vigorously.  “It looks like our song is over.  Shall we retire to the sidelines?”

Jim laughed and nodded.  As they left the dance floor, Nyota approached them.  She was giving them a smug smile.  “Well, I’m happy to see that the two of you have apparently gotten a lot closer recently.  Although not _too_ close.  I’ve yet to see any Vulcan kissing.” 

Spock stiffened.  “Nyota, you know that I prefer to keep such things private.”

She folded her arms.  “Or maybe you’re just keeping things casual.  A holiday fling, perhaps?  Can we expect a break up as soon as we break orbit?”

Spock was gravely concerned that Nyota had figured out their charade and was calling them out on it.  If she learned the truth, the senior officers would renew their efforts at matchmaking.  As she was directing her question to Spock, he had one of two choices. He could say they were serious and had no intention of breaking up, which was a lie (no matter how much he wished it to be true).  Or he could placate her by giving Jim the ohz’esta.

As if she could read his mind, Nyota looked above his head.  “Oh look, it’s the mistletoe again.”

Spock looked over at Jim.  He gave Spock a small nod, his expression one that Spock knew well from countless missions – do what you have to do, I trust you.  Not allowing himself to think too deeply about what he was about to do, he held up his two fingers.  This was the hard part.  Jim would have to pretend like he’d experienced this before (as they had done with the human kiss earlier), and it was unlikely he’d ever even seen it.  Spock and Nyota had only ever done it in private and occasionally under a mess hall table.

Spock needn’t have worried.  After hundreds of diplomatic missions, Jim knew how to fake his way through anything.  He held up the two fingers of his own hand.  Spock extended his hand forward and lightly touched his two fingers against Jim’s own, sliding them gently down and then up again.  Spock felt like an electric current was running through him.  So lost was he in the sensation that he almost missed seeing Jim jump slightly.  He felt a flicker of Jim’s thoughts.  ‘ _That’s amazing! I never realized it would be like this.  I even feel it tickling at the back of my head…_ ’  Spock’s breath left him in a whoosh.  He felt the same tickling…it was two halves of the t’hy’la bond calling to each other.  Now was not the time for this.  Spock broke the contact as gently as he could, hoping not to arouse suspicion. 

Jim touched his fingers to his lips, then turned red when he saw Uhura was regarding him curiously.  “Wow.  Haha.  Still getting used to that crackly feeling.  Gets me every time.”   

Nyota gave him a bewildered look.  “Crackly feeling?  What are you talking about, Captain?”

Jim looked hesitant, as if wondering if he said something wrong.  “You know…the static electricity.  Feels like touching a balloon that’s been rubbed against a sweater.”

Nyota stared at Spock questioningly, but then her eyes widened.  “Spock?”

“Yes, Nyota.  It is what you think.”

Jim was looking between them.  “What?  What’s going on?  Uhura, you and Spock have done this, right?  What did you feel?”

Her smile was bittersweet.  “Other than the pleasure of holding the hand of someone I loved…nothing.”  She gave Jim a pat on the shoulder and then walked away.

Spock turned to Jim. “I am ready to leave the party now.  You promised that I wouldn’t have to stay long.”

Jim seemed dazed by the whole situation.  “Okay, Spock.  That’s fine.”

Spock gave a short nod, then turned and strode out the door and down the hall.


	7. Chapter 7

Jim hurried to catch up to Spock, who was speeding down the corridor as if the ship was on red alert.  What had happened back there?  Spock had been right about one thing – the Vulcan kiss _was_ more intimate.  He had felt like they shared something profound.  Was that what was upsetting Spock?  Had they crossed the line with what Spock was willing to endure for the sake of their plan?  But Spock couldn’t be angry at him, could he?  It was Uhura who pushed the issue.  Jim would have been fine with it if they had ignored her.

Then it hit Jim why Spock had reacted the way he did.  _Touch telepathy_.  Shit shit shit!  Spock had read his mind.  The kiss had been too much for his shields and he found out Jim was in love with him.  Jim stopped in the corridor, paralyzed by this realization.

Spock stopped and turned.  “Jim, we must go to my quarters.”

Jim started to back away.  “No, you go on.  I’m going back to the party.”

Spock strode up to him and put his hand on Jim’s shoulder.  “We need to talk.”  Jim felt a spike of anguish.  This was it.  He was going to lose everything.  Even Spock’s friendship.

Spock’s head came back and he blinked.  “Jim, there is no need to be afraid.  I would not end our friendship over anything.”

Realizing that Spock was reading him again, Jim jerked his shoulder away from Spock’s hand.  “But I know you must be really uncomfortable.  I’m so sorry.”

Spock looked around the corridor.  “Ashayam, _please_.  We must have privacy.  I want to continue our discussion from before the party.  About a certain kind of bond.”  He held his arm out towards the turbolift.  “Please.  Let us go to my quarters.”

Jim was pretty much going to do whatever Spock asked of him the moment he called him that.  He nodded and went on to the turbolift.  On the way to Spock’s quarters, Jim kept trying to figure out what was about to happen, and whether it would go in his favor or not.  He was starting to think that it would.  Spock had said that potential bondmates would be able to feel their compatibility during a Vulcan kiss.  Jim had felt something amazing, both in his fingers and in the back of his head.  Was that his mind wanting to connect to Spock’s?  Uhura admitted she never had that feeling.

Jim tried to reign in the eager hope that Spock might tell him they could be bondmates.  It just didn’t seem possible that his dreams could come true tonight.  There was a catch.  There was _always_ a catch.   When they entered Spock’s quarters, Jim took a deep breath.  He was a starship captain.  He’d faced death hundreds of times _and_ had actually died at one point.  He could deal with this.  He was thankful that he never got around to drinking any of the romulan ale that Scotty was planning to sneak into the party.  He needed his wits.

As they sat down, Spock clasped his hands together and took a deep breath.  “Jim, I am aware that Selek mind melded with you when you first met, and that there was some emotional transference.  In those moments, did you hear the word ‘t’hy’la’ or sense it in any way?”

Jim blinked.  “Yeah.  Uh…I caught a flash of a memory where he called the other Jim that.  I figured it was a Vulcan endearment since they were…well, it was obvious they were together romantically.”  Jim almost didn’t admit this, but he felt that somehow Spock already knew.

Spock nodded.  “It is an endearment between two people who share the t’hy’la bond.  It is one of the most powerful bonds a Vulcan can have.  It has three layers of meaning:  friend, brother, lover.  Not much is understood about the bond, because it is so rare, but it is believed that the bond can encompass any combination of those three traits.    The Spock and Jim from that alternate universe were all three.  Selek told me that he theorized we are t’hy’la in every universe, though not necessarily the same combination.  He has one other experience from another alternate universe to support his theory.  It was one where the Federation was barbaric, and Selek sensed that that they were bonded as warrior brothers and had never progressed to being friends or lovers.”

Jim tried to process this extraordinary bit of information.  “You think we have this t’hy’la bond?”

“I believe we have the potential for it.  I’ve sensed it before tonight, but when we shared the ohz’esta, it was much more obvious.  I apologize for the intrusion on your mind, but I was able to read your reaction to the sensations of our fingers touching.  The tickling in the back of your head was the bond calling to you.  I also felt it.”

Jim felt hope trembling through him.  But there was the _catch_.  “What determines the combination of layers we’d have?  Does the bond shape it or does our relationship shape it?”

“Presumably our relationship.”

Jim looked down at his hands.  “So if we were to bond, it wouldn’t suddenly make us fall in love with each other because that’s what the bond wants?”  He tried not to hold his breath, but he was totally holding his breath.

Spock gazed at him for a long moment.  “No.  If all that we feel mutually for each other is friendship and brotherhood in exploration, then that is what the bond will reflect.” 

Jim kept the disappointment off his face.  “Do you want to bond with me, Spock?”

His answer was immediate.  “Jim, I would be honored to bond with you.  But are you sure _you_ would want to?  I know you said earlier you like the idea of not being lonely, to have someone in your head at all times.  And truly that is how it would be between us.  But that means I would know everything about you.  Do you not have any secrets you wish to keep from me?”

Jim flushed, thinking about the one secret he’d been able to keep from Spock, because of how important it was – that he was head over heels in love with him.  Not wanting to answer the question, he went on the offensive.  “Aren’t you the one with the big secret, Spock?  I still haven’t forgotten the look you gave me when I asked you if you had any.  Or when you tried to leave because I asked you if you were jealous of Uhura and I.  I thought maybe your big secret was that you’re still in love with her.”

Spock frowned.  “That was what you thought?  Jim, to use a human expression, ‘that ship has sailed.’  I told you we weren’t compatible enough and that I wanted more.  You heard what she said about how the ohz’esta felt for her.  There was no electricity.  No bond trying to form.”

Jim felt relieved to have that cleared up, but pressed on.  “Then what is your secret, Spock?”

Spock took a deep breath.  “Jim, I did not want to keep something from you, but I believed there was too great a risk that you would wish to sever our friendship.  My calculation was based on observations that I realize now were biased to support my theory.  I was unwilling to consider the wealth of data that told me I should rethink my position.  It was self-preservation.  Not saying anything was…safer.”

Jim understood that all too well.  But he needed Spock to be the one to spill first.  “What is it, Spock?  Tell me!”

“I have already told you.  The word ashayam means beloved.  To have called you that without meaning it would have been a lie.  And Vulcans do not lie.  I love you, Jim, and I very much want to fulfill with you the lover part of the t’hy’la bond.”

Jim launched himself out of his chair and into Spock’s lap.  He flung his arms around Spock’s shoulder and buried his face in his neck.  “That was my secret too, Spock.  I want everything with you.”

Spock’s arms went around his waist and tightened, and Jim was reminded of the incident with the shuttle.  He groaned.  “Those meddling friends of ours knew all along, didn’t they?  They weren’t trying to matchmake so much as get us to pull our heads out of our asses.”

“Jim, I don’t think…”

“It’s a euphemism, Spock.  It means we were choosing to hide in darkness instead of seeing the light of the truth.  They knew we loved each other and were too scared to admit it.”

“I would make the usual speech about fear being an emotion that I do not feel, but it would be a lie, ashayam.  I was so protective of the friendship we had that I was willing to give up the possibility for more.  I am ashamed that my cowardice almost cost us this.”  He reached behind him and gently tugged at Jim’s hand, bringing it around so that they could touch their fingers together.  Jim shivered at the energy that seemed to flow between their hands. 

He lifted his head and pressed his lips against Spock’s.  The fact that their fingers were still connected made it feel as if the current of electricity was flowing in an endless loop between their fingers and lips.  The tickling in the back of his head became more and more insistent.  He broke the kiss reluctantly and said, “Spock, I want to complete the bond.  Is there some sort of ceremony we have to do?”

“Negative, Jim.  All we have to do is meld with each other.  Our minds and our bodies.  You are amenable to this?”

Jim leaned his forehead against Spock’s and moaned, “Yes, yes, _please_.  We’ve waited long enough.”

In one swift and sure move, Spock scooped his arms underneath Jim and stood up.  Before Jim knew it, he was on the bed and Spock was above him, placing his fingers on Jim’s meld points.  Jim barely heard his whispered, “My mind to your mind…” before he was awash in a sensation that was nothing like his meld with the older Spock.  He felt like he was floating in an abyss, remnants of Spock’s thoughts surrounding him.  But before he could grab ahold of one to examine it, the tickling at the back of his head pushed its way forward and he could actually _see_ it connect with the other side - Spock’s side.  Except that once the connection happened, there was no longer any ‘sides.’  They were one entity in this space.  They were t’hy’la.  Completely.  _Finally_.     


	8. Chapter 8

Spock woke from his slumber when he detected a high state of agitation in the bond.  Next to him, Jim abruptly sat up in bed.  “Son of a bitch!”

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Spock called for lights at 50%.  He placed his hand on the small of Jim’s back, feeling a shiver there.  “Ashayam, what is it?”

“I figured out their game, Spock.  We’ve been played.  _Well_ played.”  He grabbed his communicator.  “Captain Kirk to Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scott, and McCoy.  You are to meet me in my ready room in 15 minutes.  This is personal business, so no need to put on your uniform.  Just come as you are.”

He heard various groans and curses.  Scotty spoke up, “Cap’n, I dinna think you will be wanting me to come exactly as I am.  I’m a wee bit underdressed.”

“Fine, throw on whatever will make you decent and be there in 14 minutes.  Kirk out.” 

Spock watched as Jim leapt out of bed and pulled on what he’d worn to the party.  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on, Jim?”

Jim grinned at him.  “I’m going to use the Murder on the Orient Express routine on them.  It’s an old mystery reference.  It means I’m gathering all the perpetrators in the same room and confronting them with their misdeeds.  Come on, get dressed!  But don’t hurry.  I want them to get there first and sweat it out a little.”

They arrived at the ready room 23.5 minutes later.  The others glared at them when they came in.  Spock remembered the party and realized that they were either hung over or lacking sleep.  Jim gave them his widest grin and said, “Alright, listen up you little shits.”  He paused.  “Not you, Jaylah.  You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.”

Jaylah bowed her head solemnly.  “Thank you, Captain Kirk.”

“Why _are_ you here, though?”

“I was with Montgomery Scotty when you called.  He was afraid that if he left me alone, I would go back to my quarters and he would not be able to continue getting into my pants.”

Jim’s lips quirked.  “Acknowledged.”  He turned back to the rest of the table.  “Okay, here’s the deal.  I’m onto you.  The whole lot of you.  You see, as I was lying there naked in Spock’s arms, I was thinking about all your ridiculous plans to get us together.  How they didn’t work, and just made us annoyed and suspicious and we eventually realized they were connected.  The ideas were clever, but had - as Spock would say - a high probability of failure.  That’s not the kind of outcome that I’d expect from my senior officers.  You should be better than that. 

Then it hit me.  You _are_ better than that.  I never suspected that your strategy worked on two levels.  Each plan was designed to seem innocent enough if taken on its own.  And if the plan worked and we got together, then you’ve achieved your goal and no need to go forward.  But you knew that they might _not_ work.  So you made sure that each one was more ridiculous than the last until it got to the point where we couldn’t fail to notice that something was going on.  Spock, we were meant to go to Bones.  They knew I would go to him.  So they entrusted him with Plan B, the one that had an extremely _high_ probability of succeeding: The fake relationship.  Once we were hooked, they just sat back while we did their work for them.  It’s brilliant, really.  The mistletoe didn’t force us to kiss, but Plan B had us doing it willingly.  The freezing room got us to cuddle for maybe half an hour, but it was Plan B that had us sleeping together for multiple nights.  And so on and so forth.”

Spock nodded his head slowly.  “Logical.  Flawlessly logical.”

“Excuse me for interrupting your little Hercule Poirot speech,” grumbled Doctor McCoy, “but did I hear something about you lying _naked_ in Spock’s arms?”

Jim beamed.  “Why yes, Bones.  We…”

The doctor held up his hand.  “I don’t want any details.  I just want confirmation that our plan worked.”

Jim came over and sat on Spock’s lap.  “Like a charm.”

Everyone in the room whooped and clapped.  Spock felt his cheeks flush.  Illogical. 

Sulu spoke up.  “Was there anything specific that finally tipped you over the edge?”

Nyota crossed her arms.  “I bet I know.”  She smiled wickedly.

Spock stared at her.  “It was the ohz’esta.  Nyota, you goaded us on purpose?”

She nodded.  “And I feel no shame for it at all.  You two needed to get your heads out of the sand, and if it won me a bet, all the better.”  Spock supposed that ‘sand’ was preferable to ‘ass.’

Mr. Scott spoke up.  “Cap’n, I’m glad to hear you had a happy ending, but I’m wondering if we could wrap up the meeting so I can go have one of my own?”

Jim laughed and said, “Of course, Scotty.  I only wanted to make sure you all understood the _real_ reason why I’ll be giving every one of you commendations in your files.  The official Starfleet reason will be ‘going above and beyond the call of duty for the sake of crew morale, blah blah blah.’  You’re dismissed!”

Everyone cheered and clapped again, then hurried out of the room.  Jim climbed off Spock’s lap and held out his hand.  “Let’s go back to bed, t’hy’la.”

Spock winced as he took Jim’s hand.  “We must work on your pronunciation.”

Jim gave him a wicked grin.  “You gonna teach me what to do with my tongue?”

“Jim…”

“No, really.  We can multi-task with my tongue.  You love to multi-task.”

“ _Jim_.”

“What?”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.  I cherish thee.”

Jim beamed.  “More words to pronounce.  My tongue will be busy for hours.”  He pulled Spock towards the door, but then stopped.  “Hey, I have one for you, too!  ‘Mele Kalikimaka.’  It means Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, ashayam.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help it, I had to include the "you're an angel" meme from Parks and Rec. It's one of my favorites and fit so well in the scene.
> 
> I have a main tumblr with includes numerous fandoms - aliasblack73  
> I've started a new side blog for just Star Trek stuff - spockfascinated


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